Sunday, May 19, 2013

Random Public Diary : Past and Present End of High School

Bully? Is it exist? Love? Weird?

Maybe it's just a random thing again which i write down to my blog today. Lately i really feel lonely because some careless person who always beside me showed like he never wants to be there beside me actually. I read novel Tango from Goo Hye Sun and you know what, the main character named Yun has the same personality as me. I am afraid of reality which this earth gives to us everyday. Social status and judgment really make me shock as an ordinary human.

Difficult times i already passed and firstly the most difficult times in high school. If some people think high school is the most beautiful experience in the whole someone's life to remember, that's just a freaking bullshit. Maybe you are right, you will find your closest friend in high school and you will know who is true and who is fake. It's just a normal to see in high school.

But i think started when i was 16 year old i got damn bad experience in my whole life. I fell in love with a wrong person, because of this i really want to be more quite in society. I am a cheerful girl but after that experience i better be more calm and be comfortable with people who can except me the way i am. I joined some competition as ambassador and actually this competition breaks my heart alot until just a little part left in my life. 

I put my heart seriously to that competition and wanted to do anything that i could do. So in the end i  could have win something and make my parents proud of me. But something went wrong at that time. I got more stress and i just couldn't handle my emotion. I just wanted to mad with everyone because i couldn't handle everything which i thought "i can". I felt so sorry to my friends but you know i never mean to be like that.

More sadly moment was some people talked bullshit about me. I did corruption of my class money. I never did some nasty things for a support while i was joining local competition. More sadly fact was some of my closest friends believe everything which some people said. I didn't want to go to school, everyone talked "Margaret is fake and two faces". Like they were the only people who right and never made some mistakes in their past moments. 

I think everyone needs mirror and reflection of them self before you can intimidate other people. I really felt "i am useless and i never can wake up from this nightmare". I cried a lot every night, i depressed. The only one friend who still be there for me, just one. Really really made me felt useless and sorry about my self. I did not love my self at that time. I just wanted to die, killed my self.

I am not trying to get attention while i write down this story. This is my story why i can suffer from this public bullying and judgment. You know i really want to SAY SORRY IF I AM WRONG TO YOU GUYS. But don't you want to say sorry too because i really wanted to killed my self at that time? Bullying is sucks and i don't want to see more some of my readers do that to another person who is standing alone by him or her self.

Plus the person who i like is never proof that he is be there for me while everyone hates me. i pissed off. The fact which i found that the person who i love, love someone else and dumped me. I really felt like "God please i just want to die, no one likes me..can i just get enough? i just want to make my parents proud of me, i search for my own scholarship, i love my friends i did everything which i could but no one understand how to did back to me even i never hoped for that kind of thing... i just want to die and at the ed wake up see my beautiful life again, have a bright future instantly but it can't be happen that easily.." i talked to my self like that.

You know for 16 year old girl who really immature you can't judge me easily why i am so immature with this situation. The person who i love, like, gaahh addicted to him, he fell in love with someone else. But the bad thing that person is a boy. I don't want to judge gay as a mistake in my eyes. Even i have so many gay friends out there but the feeling was different if the person who you really love was falling for someone else and the person who you love was one of them.

Gay,... I THINK THEY ARE THE MOST TRUTHFUL HUMANS IN THIS WORLD. I respect them how can they except their own differences than other normal people. Or bisex i never want to judge them because i have so many friends who bisex. They are kind to me and really helpful than other normal people. Normal people will have to feel shame about this. It's their own problem with God i never want to judge them easily. But i can except the way he is now, i can. Even i cry a lot at night when i remembered everything which i did with him. How amazing to feel that this is fact of life. HURT so bad but memorable. 

I believe maybe some day i will get my own happiness, i can still reach my dream and be humble, down to earth, make my parents proud of me. I really want to be successful person. I really want to make something different than other people mostly do in their life. I don't want to publish every names in this story, i don't want to make the negative side of being gay or bisex. But i really want to share with you that "THIS IS THE HARD LIFE IN JAKARTA, YOU JUST BE THERE IN SOCIETY LEARN TO EXCEPT BUT STAND FOR YOUR OWN LIFE." I feel sorry if some people feel like this is annoying public diary, but i think this is the end of my high school life which i can describe. 

I describe my own failures, some of fake people failures, i say that i am feeling so sorry, i describe everything. So i hope some people will understand how hard i really want to run away from my life. I suffer from bullying and now i operate my own blog with amazing readers who stay young fresh ready to support me. I really love you guys, thankyou for all supports and prayer which you always give to me. I love you!

No matter what happen remember when you are not even doing wrong you can't force people to like you. Don't waste your time for them, they don't deserve anything, you deserve everything from your own self.

PS : two faces? well did you do the same at least once in your life, stop judging.. lol be your self, and sorry again if i am hurting some of your feelings. Peace out!


  1. S̤̥̈̊є̲̣̥м̣̣̥̇̊ά̲̣̣̣̥п̥̥̲̣̣̣̥G̲̣̣̣̥ά̲̣̣̣̥τ̣̣̥. SElalu MargarEta...

  2. I feel you mar.
    Well, i guess believe in no one would be a great choise.

    1. yeah i never 100% believe someone in my whole life..

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