My Journey to South Korea - Thousand Miles Away

Hi, I am Margaret. By writing this blog post, I am sharing my current condition online. A lot of people including my closest ones and even people who don't know me can see my blog post. Well, deep inside I am such an emotional person. I never show much emotion outside because I am feeling afraid of what people might think of me even I already said multiple times, "I don't care what other people say." Sometimes, I do care. I still care what other might say or think about me. That's why, I am choosing to write things on my blog because I don't clearly express it from the outside.

I just want to know my paths. Maybe, I will laugh and smile one day when I read this blog post again with my future husband (or kids hahaha).

Several times, I mentioned about my bullying experience in my high school. It was horrible and gladly my life now is definitely way better than my life when I was in high school. In high school, so many people cheated on me (including my best friend and my ex-boyfriend). He broke up with me and went on a date with another girl that used to be his best friend. The worst thing was that girl lied about her illness to get my ex-boyfriend's attention. Drama huh? She is not even dead yet.

I never told my parents about my past relationship because it's still not something necessary to do. I am not getting married yet. 

Three years ago, I did try to open a new chapter. Finally,... I went to uni life. I discovered so many things. From the happiest to saddest parts came into my life. I know that life is not going to be smooth all the time. Including now.

Back in 2014, I met another guy. Just call him "S". I knew him from one of my best friend. My best friend now is a well known book author and writer. Okay, comeback to the main topic. He is not Indonesian, he is Korean. Yes, I met this guy one year after my last relationship. I met him in a cafe in West Jakarta area, not really far from my home. At that time, I was wearing white top, skinny jeans, and high heels. He was just wearing casual t-shirt and pants. Nothing flattering or such as. But he has a cute smile.

"S" is so nice to me and full of manner. He was never complaining about small things. I never feel uncomfortable around him and I always feel comfortable about myself. Is that amazing? I don't need to feel worry about being too skinny, wear too much makeup, or eat too much in front of him. I can do whatever I want to do (of course by using my common sense). Honestly, he knows how to treat woman in a right way. On that point, I realized ....maybe,... I fell for him. 

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He stayed in Jakarta for one month. Until one day, he said that he was also falling for me. He brought a doll with him and said that in front of public. A bit cheezy but hey, it's sweet. That was my first experience. He's a man, a real man. He's so brave by did that thing only for me. I was feeling unsure because I knew that he was going to go back to his country. But he said, "why don't we try it first?"

and... ended up I said, "yes." 

I agreed to be in a relationship again. Is it a trap?

We went on a date and we continue to met several times. We watched movies together, had amazing lunch and dinner together. We also tried to ride Bajaj and it was too funny. I paid him a cup of Baskin Robbins ice cream in Pacific Place. Everything was wonderful. That was my first time, I felt that someone wanted me to be beside him all the time. 

You know... I failed in my past relationships. I was feeling depressed and sad at the same time. That's why his existence was being my happiness.

Until, it's about time we did need to say goodbye and welcoming Long Distance Relationship.

We did skype almost every week. Another challenge was coming in front of us that he wanted to go to Europe. I couldn't stop him from reaching his own dreams and built experiences. He went to Germany and probably tried to get a job there.

We were okay for 8 months of our relationship and after that we already hard contacted each other because time differences. Plus, I was busy with my work (even until now, I am still working part time and studying in uni) and he was also getting busy with his start up company with his friends. When I was about to sleep, he's probably still outside.

I really wanted to go to Germany, because he also asked for it... but I didn't have much money. My parents do have money but I couldn't ask for my parents' money for my own sake. 

Until next month... finally, he said that sentence... "I think, we need to break up. I don't want you to feel this way. I want you to be free because it seems I am holding you too tight. You can go and date another guy in Indonesia if you want. I am so sorry but it's better for us."

I said, "why?" but ended up I tried to understand the condition.

We broke up. I felt so weird. and it's sad that I am getting used to feel this way.

I continued my life like usual and decided to plan craziest thing in my life. I bought tickets to South Korea and luckily my friend, Dara helped me about the payment and everything. Luckily again that my other friends also wanted to go to South Korea for traveling. 

I worked 3 times harder. I was saving up my money. I did study harder to reach my goals. I did so many great things for the past 2 years. Collaborating with designers, participate as a guest on talkshow or seminar, and many more.

From 2014 and now it's 2016, 2 years passed. We didn't say hi and lost contact for 2 years. Until one day, I was working on my position paper for Model United Nations and I decided to open my facebook. I tried to check "S" status and position. Surprisingly, he already came back to South Korea too. I tried to contact him trough facebook chat and said that I am going to meet him this September. 

He replied.

I couldn't handle my tears. In fact that he actually replied my message and agreed to meet me again in Seoul in September 2016.

after 2 years not contacting each other.... Finally, I heard something again from him.

-Me and my friends went to South Korea-

7th September 2016, I met him in Seoul. I saw his face for the first time after 2 years we were lost contact. He was still looking the same with his funny behavior and smiley face.

My friends dropped me at the EXIT 10 Jonggak station. I ran to him and hugged him tightly. Surprisingly, he also opened his hands for me.

We both were so nervous.

After that, my friends went to other place and we both went to grab some chimaek or Chicken Maekju (Maekju means beer in Korean). We talked a lot and realized that he was trying hard to survive in Europe. I know that "S" is a nice man. We broke up because we were busy and still young for reaching our own dreams. He never lied to me about things that he always did..

He did compliment me. He said, "You look good today. Your jacket is so nice, where did you get it?"

Oh cheesy, but admit that girls... deep down in our heart ... we do like it.

I said, "I bought it 2 days ago in COEX Mall because GDragon wore it in a commercial."

and then he laughed.

I miss his laugh tho.

He said, "You are stupid. GD only wore that for a commercial. But you look good in that. You look like a girl version of GD."

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After that, we went on a walk and decided to chill under the bridge at Cheonggyecheon (청계천) area. We talked until 1AM there. It was such a beautiful memory. I could stay with him for one night and talked about so many things. He even talked about his feeling for me and he remembered every detail about me when the first time we met in that cafe in Jakarta.

I honestly didn't want to sleep and wake up in the next morning to say goodbye again for the second time. Maybe this is answering his question when he asked "why are you not sleeping yet?" at that night.

We are not deciding anything serious and we are not coming back together (yet). I don't know where this feeling is going to go too. We are still young and reaching our own dreams. But love is still love. No matter how it's going to be ended, he "was" my best boyfriend ever.

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For "S"

Everything was precious with you. Thanks for making me comfortable to be around you and also with myself. I am definitely going to comeback to South Korea, but I don't know how the future will welcome us. Maybe you already find someone who is better than me or vice versa. Well, we both don't know. 

Also, your english is way better now, congrats for that! Actually, my korean improved a lot. I was just too shy and enjoying your voice in English better. That's why I refused to talk with you in Korean. But I stayed there in Seoul with my friends. They are all non korean speakers, that's why I did talk in Korean all the time during my stay in Seoul. No need to be worry! I studied Korean language because you always motivated me.

I am going to graduate next year. I hope, you are also going well in your study and your start up company. I will see you way more successful in the future. I just hope that one day, that massive wall between us will disappear.

사랑해,

from me who live thousand miles away from you.